Did making the best decision for my own life disappoint them?

I’m the first child of the house and I have two brothers. Ever since I was little, my relationship with my mother was never good. I would always say that she loves me, but she doesn’t show it; it was hard for me to face the truth. I strived for her to love me. I would surprise her so that she would understand I care about her; I would see her happy for a moment, but it was still the same later. I was always faulty to her, even if I had done a lot of good deeds, she wouldn’t see them, and she would always search for my mistakes to throw them in my face.

It’s hard to be a young girl in this house. I’ve heard all kinds of insults just because I came home 5 minutes late. Even my father, whom I love very much and who was the only person who loved me, changed. Everything is forbidden in the house; I can’t use social media, I can barely meet my friends, and even though I’m a person who loves sports, they discourage me from going to the gym—it’s a struggle.

I started high school this year. I knew that my family was sensitive about being veiled, my brain was conditioned to be a hijabi someday. For this reason, I went to school wearing hijab as I started 9th grade; I thought that everything would be better. At least I would get to pick my own clothes, at least there wouldn’t be any fighting as I left the house, and maybe they would love me. I started wearing the hijab in the summer, there weren’t any problems at first, but in time I realized that I really didn’t want this. If I didn’t dress in accordance with being veiled, I was committing more sin. I told them that I wanted to go to school unveiled on the first day. I never expected this reaction; my mother started crying, she was yelling and saying, “How could you do this to us!”  I was shocked. What had I done to them, what was my fault? Did making the best decision for my own life disappoint them? I struggled for days, I cried, I begged, I told them what I thought. Eventually, they said “Okay. Go unveiled only to school, veil when we go on visits.” Because for them, others are this important.

Now, 9th grade is over, we’re in summer break. Now they expect me to veil all the time, but I don’t want this at all. They took my cell phone, many things are forbidden once again; if I don’t become a hijabi, they will make my life harder, I know this, but still, I tell myself “Be patient for 3 years.” My grades are very good, I think that I will break free when I get into university, but the consequences will be hard. They will hate me, but if they are going to love me for a piece of cloth, let them not love me. Let them beat me for not wearing it. I don’t know if I’ll succeed, I’m very tired and can’t endure this anymore. I just want to live like a normal young girl.

(Image: Kathrin Honesta)

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