Hello everyone. To be honest, I don’t even know where to begin. I am deeply exhausted and hurt. I am scared to be one of them while trying to become who I am meant to be. Anyways, long story short…

I remember I had begun to wear a hijab in an early time of summer vacation of the 7th grade. There wasn’t any pressure, or at least that is what I thought of. For women who are grown up in a particular conservative society with Islamic doctrines, covering their hair has always been unavoidable. It is an inevitable end, while our own decisions are being neglected. Why are we always obliged to do something? Why do others have the chance to live our lives?

I’ve been wearing a hijab for nearly 8 years. For about two years, I’ve had a desire to be my authentic self. I can barely confess this to myself, how tragic, isn’t it? Anyway, I haven’t really experienced hard times. I haven’t been exposed to violence, but in my opinion, psychological violence is above all kinds of physical violence.

My father is one of those conservative people who practice prayers. On the other hand, my mother does not practice prayers. Yet, She supposedly has a fear of God and is kind of a person that always tears my heart out by constantly judging me on how I shouldn’t show any part of my body. According to her; girls, who don’t cover their bodies and hair, are faithless and sinful people as if hijab were women’s ultimate honor -such nonsense-!

I’ve been covering my hair for years. Not wearing a headscarf was not even possible in my life. Sometimes I have felt tired and sick, I feel devastated, I have struggled but always kept fighting against difficulties.

The pressure in the name of religion has begun to bother me dramatically. As a person believing in gender equality, I find it quite disgusting to see women face so many horrible religious pressure. I have a great deal of faith in God, but I have a hard time understanding the idea that God is stiff.  

I’ve started wearing a hijab with 2 of my cousins, but they stopped wearing it 3 years ago. After that, the only thing they kept saying was how free they are. I secretly have an itch to not cover my body anymore, but I always keep this feeling to myself. I’m afraid. I feel terrified because my family is full of sick-minded people, and I feel so stupid to still care for their opinions. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I even attempted suicide. I used to have suicidal thoughts on my mind, but then I realized that I can’t ruin my life because of them.

I look forward to seeing the days that I am finally free. I don’t know where but for sure, I’m going to leave them. I’m just waiting for the right time. Then, I finally become my true self. Maybe, I can make a friend from this platform. What do you say, girls? A friend, a sister, a family, a family love that I’ve never been able to feel before… I have only one thing to say; do not be afraid, girls! We don’t have to live life unless it’s our way. This life is nothing but ours. Take care of yourself because no one will do that except you, you have your own…

(Image: Andrey Remnev)