My mother wasn’t saying anything because she had trouble like me in her own time.

Hello there. I am 23 years old, I graduated from the university and can stand on my own feet, gained financial power. When I saw people like me here and read what they shared, I wanted to write.

I grew up in a partly conservative family. In my middle and high school ages, I was sent to Qur’an courses in the summer, but after a while, I didn’t want to go, I was always running. I was running away, spending time outside, and returning from the course as soon as the class was over. In fact, I was never going during the summer holidays when my mother worked. After I went to middle school, I was warned by my father to wear long sleeves and something longer on the pants. My mother wasn’t saying anything because she had trouble like me in her own time. She was expecting me to veil when I want to. When I started high school, my father started insisting that I veil. I put forth the fact that I go to school since, at that time, the headscarf was prohibited in high school. I started to veil during the summer holidays. This time, I began to get a reaction from my environment, saying, “Why are you wearing and then taking off the headscarf?”

My mother always stood behind me. She tells me to wear what I want to wear, do what I want to do, go where I want to go. She would tell me that I would not be able to come to this age again and do whatever I do. Because she couldn’t do it and was stuck in it. She didn’t want me to be like her.

But things changed when I went to university. My dad told me to veil for sure. I couldn’t appeal either. There was no obstacle in front of me, nor an excuse I could say. I even thought that when I went to university at that time, I would take it off and then wear it when I came home. But then I felt that I had to veil, that I would already veil, why it should not be now and not now, and I veiled completely. I had a hard time, I was not this person, but I did not want to break my father. He usually was not that strict in other matters; he would go where I want, do what I want, and even when I say I have a boyfriend, he would understand it. But why did they have very precise lines about the headscarf? The university is over, and I came home. I had a lot of trouble finding a job. In the places I was looking for a job application, the first question was, “Are you in hijab?” I was saying to myself, “I guess I will have to unveil at some point.” But luckily, I found a place that I fit.

By the way, I have a 21-year-old brother. He left high school and voluntarily went to the Quran course and became a Hafız.* Then he took the exams and was appointed as an imam.* One day he showed his girlfriend to us, but the girl was not wearing a headscarf. How could an Hafız date someone who is not wearing a headscarf? I was surprised despite him being my brother. That day I said, “What would you think if I unveil?” “What could I possibly say?” he said. “Really?” I said. “Yes, why should I interfere with it, I can’t say anything,” he said. Then I started to think more about this issue. I wasn’t the person my look suggests.

I was going to psychologist and therapies. I was not happy with anything, I had no expectations of life at all. The doctor diagnosed anxiety. When I talked about this with my brother, I started to think more about uncovering my hair. As I started thinking about it more and more, this issue started to cause personality disorder along with anxiety. My crying crises have increased. My communication with people has been reduced to nothing. 

I am tearing myself apart by thinking, “What happens if I stop covering my hair? How do I explain it to my family? What would the reaction be from those around me? What people who know me would think about me?” But I know that if I don’t do this, the personality will eat me up inside. I am waiting for the right time to tell my family. I hope it doesn’t take too long and I can explain it without hurting myself any more. When I tell my family, I am thinking of going out of town for 1-2 months. It’s because I want to get used to the new me and give time to my family to digest this fact. I think it’s been a bit long, but I was happy to find a platform where I can explain everything inside. Thanks in advance…

*Person that memorize the whole Quran.

** Worship leader of a mosque 

**We were not able to find the owner of the image we shared. If you know, you can comment with its source.

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