I’m a 14-year-old girl, but my clothing makes me feel like an old woman.

Hello. My hijab story began when I had my first period. I started wearing a hijab with the push of my mother. It didn’t matter if I wanted it or not. If she said, “Wear a hijab,” then I would wear a hijab. Eventually, I started wearing one. 

As the days passed by, wearing a hijab became a burden to me. I covered myself more and more, and eventually wrapped myself all in blacks. Now she prays that I wear a burqa. I’m a 14-year-old girl, but my clothing makes me feel like an old woman. I told her twice that I wanted to take off my hijab; she said so many bad things. She said something that sounds very illogical to me like “You’re more beautiful when you’re in hijab, that a person became more beautiful when she got in hijab,” or “I never thought I would have a daughter like you, you will burn yourself, are you mocking Allah!” 

My courage and self-confidence have weakened. If I take off my hijab, my mother won’t look at my face again. I don’t want to lose her because she is my mother, after all. Everybody around me has the same mentality as my mother. That’s why I feel so lonely. Everybody thinks I started wearing a hijab willingly. There’s no one I can ask help from. My mother is aware that she’s oppressing and pushing me. She really cares about a cult, its hodja, its other hodjas, its students, its communion. She doesn’t like people who don’t like them. She thinks whatever they say is right. It’s an extremely strict cult. She’s trying to pull me that way, but I’m going to resist. Sometimes she advises me on veiling. I get delighted when I do other religious duties, but wearing a hijab overwhelms me. My life has turned into a prison and became sour. It’s as if I’m stuck in a tiny dead-end street, and I can’t get out… My childhood is disappearing under a piece of cloth, but I won’t let my youth disappear…

Translator: Leto

(Image: Pierre Mornet)

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