I can’t marry again to throw off the hijab.

Hello everyone. When I was in the 8th grade, I began to wear hijab, but the truth was, I never really intended to do it. I was looking awful with the hijab, and I was not feeling comfortable both physically and mentally. I completely felt like I was a liar. I tried so many times to get used to the idea of ‘’hijab,’’ but it just didn’t work out for me. I lived in a dormitory when I was in high school, so I slowly began not to cover some parts of my body and then quit wearing it secretly with a sudden decision. Afterward, I opened myself to my mother, but she didn’t accept it; she still doesn’t.  This problem bothers me a lot.

I loved someone; we were in a relationship. We got intimate and slept together. When my parents found out this, we got married, but no one forced me to do it; because I loved him. Before our marriage, my husband and my mother-in-law joined hands together to talk to my parents. My mother and father turned against me on my wedding day, but I already decided not to wear hijab anymore. After three months, my husband beat me; I had to call my mother to save me. I thought they wouldn’t dare ask me to cover again, but it took only 15 minutes since I’d come home, and they forced me to cover again. I had to face great difficulties. Again.  Now that I was a widow, according to my parents, it was wrong for me to show my body to strangers. I didn’t go out for over a month, and unfortunately, I gave up in the end. I wasn’t able to fight for myself anyway. I even lacked enough strength to hurt them; what a pity. 

Now I study at university, but I want to cry. I wear lipstick at the bus stations. I’ve dealt with a lot of serious psychological problems. I used to think I was a maniac, and I also took pills for it. While I was not in hijab, my mood was quite okay despite all the drama going on in my life. I’ve felt like my life is going pretty well, but I still have some problems; my compulsive behaviors and chronic headaches. I believe in God, but why? Why suffering so much? I can’t marry again to throw off the hijab. I feel lumps in the throat right now, but I know that I’ll be better one day. I hope that day comes to me before I lose my youth. 

(Image: Adriana Marmorek)

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