I did. I knew the reactions that I would get, despite this, I risked everything and did it. Either I was going to give up or my family were. I wish they would say “It is your life, your decisions”, but thing were not that easy for me. I thought so much to take my hijab off, but I was not brave and determined enough. I had waited until I was sure. If I was going to do it, I should have done it before going to university. Actually, I was satisfied with my style. I got praises, but besides the praises, some people said, “Does a hijabi woman dresses like this?”. When I was in the decision phase, I talked with my sister who is older than me, she was understanding. With her support I can do everything. But I have never seen that support since that day. When I talk about it, she said, “Is your mind still there? No matter how angry and broken I am with what she did, I understood her. She was afraid from father’s reaction. She never had the courage to go against my father, but rotten apples like me can come out. The rotten apples that follow her nose.

It was very hard to tell my father that I did not want this. At nights I rehearsed in the living room. I was crying thinking how can I say. But in the end that day would come, and it did. One night me and my sister were going to walk, and I said, “I do not wear hijab”. My sister said, “You can’t without telling father.” I went and talked with my father. I got the reaction I thought. This matter would not open again. I cried for hours. I was in a place which nobody understands me. Although I did not want that, I wear hijab when I went outside for days. Everyone thought I gave up.

Weeks passed; I could not stand to do what I did not want anymore. I told my mother and went outside without hijab. I never forget that I bowed my head and walked rapidly because I thought everyone was looking at me, and I cried before I went because of the excitement and annoyance. It was time to resist. I explained my problem to my father, and he did not understand, therefore, I thought that I could made him accept this situation by going outside without hijab. The consequence and the reaction were the same. People in our apartment saw me without hijab. I could not wear hijab again after they saw me. I went to this way and I said I would not give up. I went out without knowledge of my father for a while. In order to end this uncertain phase that I felt myself hypocritical, my father should have known that. I gathered my courage and went to my father who was waiting me for taking the pack in his hands without hijab. When we came home the matter did not open. When I had to go outside again, he said, “Look at me, do not go without hijab!”; still I went. I go outside without hijab still, and he ignores me. There is an unceasing uncertainty in my life, this is the most tiring thing. No matter what happens, I am determined to not give up.

I have words for my friends who are in this way. Show your family that you are the same person and have the same character when you are wearing hijab or not. They think that you will do all the bed things when you take your hijab off. Above all, make a decision by thinking not by an instant eagerness. Do not let anybody to impact your decision. First of all, think your own happiness. I wish you the days you can be yourself…

Translator: Leyla B.