At the age of 14, when I decided to go to religious vocational high school of my own accord, I started to wear hijab voluntarily, as well. I grew up in a conservative family, my big sister, mother, and most of our relatives were hijabi and niqabi. My apartment was a family apartment, therefore, there were many role models, and wearing hijab was easy to me.
I spent my high school by continuing my religious education. We learned Koran, Arabic, speech, kalam and fiqh. I did not have any doubt about my faith. Hijab was not a nuisance to me, I liked to wear it. Except prayers that I missed sometimes; I had no deficiency. Our class was full of girls; therefore, we were really close to each other. Briefly, those were the years that I was not questioning anything; but was continuing to stay introvert because of my nature. Realizing my interest and ability to cinema was my turning point.
When I was 11th grade, I decided to studying radio and television at university. My family laughed when I told it to them. my classmates and teachers did not believe it and gave insulting glances. From people who claiming that drawing a picture is a sin, more than this could not be expected. Whatever, for three years I did not open a book. But in the last year, I did not care anybody and prepared to the exam with all my might. Everyone was surprised. Our class was appropriate for preparing the exam; there were not lectures, it was like library. Everything was beautiful, until the time after the first exam YGS. Most of my friends wanted to study theology at university, therefore they did not need to pass the second exam. After that time, the process of nightmares and tyranny started. They did their best to prevent us from study. As a result of these, my score was average. I did not get into the university that I want with a scholarship. These were the time that my faith to people and relatively to the religion started to fade. The people that bullying me were the same people who said “rightful due” was very important thing. Following year, I prepared the exam again, I went to the course. My aim was to get scholarship by making a degree. Because If I would go to this department, I should not have needed anyone. If I needed them, they would fling this in my teeth. That year that was passed with depression and anxiety was the year that I became a deist and religiously lost my faith. At the end I get the scholarship in the university that I want, and I took a step in my independence.
In the course of time my ideas changed. I convinced myself that the problem was not in the religion but in the people, and I believed in Islam, although to a lesser extent than before. But I have questions and doubts about sects and judgment. Later, I decided that a religion which focuses on Koran would be more appropriate; but I did not dwell upon that. Even though I could not find an answer to the questions in my head, I ignored and covered them up. I never had a regret about the headscarf, but I started to not see myself religious. I was not praying, the things that are called “sin” did not make me feel like sinning. And I could not understand why they were sin.
This issue that I have been postponing until this time, have started to occupy my mind for a few weeks. I have started to be unsatisfied from my searches, commentaries of the Koran and from the answers. My doubts in my head are increasing more and more, and I did not feel myself as a person who truly accepting this religion. My faith in God is full, but there are deficiencies in my faith in Islam. While these doubts are dense and I cannot accommodate religion to my life, wearing hijab seems dissimulation to me. Because the image that I reflect to the outside is different than my ideas. For that reason, I have decided to take my hijab off. I have not told it to my family, I do not know how they will react. But I am afraid that If They will react exaggeratedly, and If I will live the same violence which lived by sisters in here. In that situation I will do whatever I can to make a life alone. I hope in that situation you will not refuse help. Love to everyone.
Translator: Ö.K.