According to my family, a girl was born, grows up, marries, has children and dies.

Hello, I started to wear the hijab when I was 13. One day I had my period and they said, “It is time to wear the hijab, from now on each strand of your hair is equal to 10,000 sins!” I had to to wear the hijab in one day, they considered me as a young girl in one day. Isn’t it like that in our country? We turn into young girls in a day, we turn into women in a day, we turn into mothers in a day! There is no before or after for us.

I wore the hijab and pressure on me was gone. When we visit our neighbours, there are people who brought hijab from other room and cover me by saying “It is a big sin.” Whereas I was 13. For them it was very normal for men to lust for a child, but it was the most abnormal thing in the world if the child does not want to wear the hijab. Even at that age, they treated us like if we were sluts. I never let my hair loose, what does it mean to let go of your hair and go to school? It was normal to cheat on someone’s rightful share, but I was not normal.

My mother and father don’t love me at all. They always insult me, never listen to me, and are very stubborn. I have done everything they want to make them love me, I have never let them down, I have always been a successful child, I was wearing the hijab. So, I have got everything that are expected for girl to do. But I was never good enough for them. They never loved me…

My and my parents’ way of thinking is very different. According to them, a girl was born, grows up, marries, has children, dedicates her life to her husband and children and dies. These are the things that expected from a woman. Not living her life… But this is not me, I am not like that. My siblings are like them, bigoted. They went to university, but their minds are sealed, they don’t understand anything. Actually, not mine but their minds are sealed. My older siblings, my mother and father they all tried to shape my soul with their hands, and they succeeded. I’m in the shape they want but I’m not myself. To hold my thoughts back, I shaved my head, but it didn’t work, I couldn’t stop them. My hopes for the future grow as my hair grows longer, but then I go back to my dark world. I say to myself  “Maybe in the university.” Didn’t we all spend our lives like saying these to ourselves? While we say things like “It will be great in high school” or “the university will be like a dream”, we will die before living our lives.

I am scared, I am scared of everyone. If I decide like that, my whole family will erase me from their lives. I love them even though they don’t love me. Before wearing the hijab, my older brother said, “ If you don’t wear the hijab you no longer exist for me, I am out.” many times. Do you know how many times I said, “I wish…” for not saying “It is okay if you are out”, for not being myself. I feel regret for the times I was afraid, for letting myself go for other people’s sake. I became a sinner because I wanted my hair to fly in the wind. I don’t want to tell them because they will not understand. They think I am happy with myself. I haven’t told these to anyone. I wish they loved me with my sins and my mistakes. However, it didn’t happen… I am alone… More than I can bare…

(Image: Nikephoros Lytras)

(Translator: Ö.K.)