I would say that the devil was messing with me and wouldn’t put much thought into the situation.

Hello. I don’t know where to start telling you my story. I don’t even know how to write from excitement, excuse me, please.

I also went to a religious middle school like most of you. My friends and I started covering our hair in the 2nd semester of the 7th grade due to a religion teacher making up Quran verses out of thin air. At first, it was good and fun for me until the summer of the 9th grade. The 9th grade was my first time with a headscarf, and maybe because of that, I would say that the devil was messing with me and wouldn’t put much thought into the situation. When I started the 10th grade, I started not wanting to cover my hair; I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be free and let my hair dance with the wind like everybody who showed their hair. Days and months passed, and the headscarf became unbearable for me to live with. Then I told my mother everything, hoping that she would understand at least some of it, and immediately burst out crying. She thought I was kidding, and at the same time, she was saying whatever that came to her mind out of anger. She worried about what our relatives and neighbors would say, but I didn’t care about that like most of you. I just wanted to stop wearing a headscarf.

After 1-2 months of discussing with my mother, she asked me to promise that I wouldn’t bring this subject up anymore, and I happened to say yes so that she wouldn’t be sad as she also had a couple of diseases to deal with. But of course, I hadn’t given up anything; I still haven’t. Just because I thought of my mom and promised it, she told some stuff to my aunt like, “She isn’t thinking about not covering herself anymore; it was just a whim for a brief moment.” But nothing she says or thinks is the actual truth, and it bothered me for a long time that she would feel like that. In the meantime, I studied for three years of high school in again a religious school, neither my mother nor my father wanted me to go there, but I made a mistake for my friends and put myself through hell.

Before quarantine, I was an 11th-grade student this year. My father enrolled me in a private high school as I am now a 12th grader. Everything about my education is going great so far, and I am very happy about it. But I am just as unhappy at home. I cannot take this situation anymore, and I genuinely want to stop wearing the headscarf now that I have changed schools. When I told my father about this, he said, “I want you to keep covering yourself for our religion, and I don’t want you to bring this up again.” Obviously, nothing is over for me yet, I’ve always been a person who doesn’t like to give up, and I won’t give up this time as well. The reason why I haven’t stopped covering my hair yet is the fear of my father not letting me go to the school that I am now enrolled in. I couldn’t do anything because I am terrified of that possibility. However, I don’t think he can do that at this point, that’s why I want to talk to my parents before the end of quarantine and tell them I won’t be covering myself anymore, but I have no idea how to tell them that. Could you please help me out a little bit? I honestly don’t know what to say or what to do. I will do my best.

I hope everyone gets what they dream of; everyone deserves to be happy. Take care of yourself. I will stop by and drop another letter once I am free. Goodbye.

(Image: Marie Muravski)

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