I hope I feel better after writing this post.
I have hated myself for a long time, I have always found myself flawed, and when these are integrated with the headscarf I wear, I want to isolate myself from everyone. I just want to be me. I never feel beautiful or comfortable. The thought of taking off the headscarf has been spinning in my head for a long time, but I don’t have the courage to do it either. I always tell myself “You will stay like this, get used to it.” Because I don’t think that me or my family will be comfortable when I’m not wearing a headscarf. My mother doesn’t want such a thing, she is aware of her own mistakes but what does my father say or think about me, I don’t know. I already wore a headscarf with his encouragement, suddenly and without thinking about it. I regret it so much now. I think about it all the time because it awfully bothers me. I’m very bored, I’m very upset about I cannot be like others, and I constantly humiliate myself.
I’m not very tall and I think I look ugly when I am wearing a headscarf. Both of my parents are teachers, and they think that Islam is something that should be taught in school. That’s why they sent me to a religious school and this was their biggest mistake. I hate that school, I even disgust it. They also regret that they sent me there. Neither of them are oppressive people, but my father has a somewhat conservative side. Neither of them want me to be hurt, I know, but I’m afraid of my father. Especially I’m afraid of other people. I don’t know about what they think and what they say. Anyway, the things people say usually annoy me, especially for the last 2 years I’ve been very sensitive. I was 15 when I became a hijabi. I don’t know what to do. Islamic repression is very bad, it is necessary to stay away from every person who misrepresents the religion.
In middle school, our principal used to wait at the school door in the mornings and wouldn’t allow girls who weren’t wearing a headscarf to enter the school or at best, he would scold them. The more I think of it, the more I get angry with myself, I ask myself “Why did I accept these so much?”, but nobody was listening to me. Every day I used to say “Take me out of this school!” but they never thought of looking at it from my point of view. I’m very angry with my parents. My sister is not wearing a headscarf and I’m very jealous of her because she dresses as she wishes. She is more tough than me, I wish I were more like her, and focus entirely on being myself and what I want, instead of what people say.
(Image: George Clausen)