I have a very religious family. They are not traditional Muslims. My sister and I grew up with Islamic traditions. In middle school, I went to a religious school. In the 5th grade, almost everyone was open, but my friends became hijabi one by one in time. I decided to wear hijab by choice when I had my first period in 7th grade. Actually, we never had the option not to wear the hijab. My family answered the question of “When will I wear hijab?” always as “when the time comes.” My options were obvious; I either would wear hijab now or when the time came. I chose now.
My family always explained the purpose of the hijab. “For God’s will, daughter,” they said. I said the same thing when I became hijabi, for God’s will. But it was nothing more than a little kid’s whim.
In the 8th grade, I was already bored with the hijab. In addition to that, I was a feminist. I knew that feminism was in contradiction with the hijab, but I could not wear it because if I refused one of God’s orders, religion wouldn’t matter. I would not be a Muslim anymore. I couldn’t even confess it to myself. I tried to act as if there was no problem, but it didn’t work. I already grew cold from Islam. The scarf on my head meant nothing to me. I wanted to take it off in the 9th grade, but I couldn’t. I never had the guts to tell my family. My sister was braver, and she managed to take it off. They extremely oppressed my sister. I feared they would do the same thing to me. I started an Anatolian high school instead of an Imam Hatip high school because my exam results were good. I fear that they will force me to exchange to an Imam Hatip high school if I tell them.
I don’t know what I believe in right now. I pretend as I pray salat. I didn’t even tell my friends my wish to take off my scarf, let alone supporting it; they wouldn’t even respect it.
Unfortunately, it’s Ramadan now. I wouldn’t guess that I’d hate Ramadan this much at a point in my life. My mother forced me to pray tarawih (It is a special kind of praying done exclusively in Ramadan). After it, I went to my room and cried for a long time.
I’m in the 9th grade now. I hope that one day, all these will become just unpleasant memories. I wanted to get it out of my chest, and I apologize if it’s too long.
- Imam Hatip schools are educational institutes in Turkey where people are trained for religious professions such as imams.
- Salah or salat is the second of the five pillars in the Islamic faith as daily obligatory standardized prayers. It is a physical, mental, and spiritual act of worship that is observed five times every day at prescribed times.
(Image: Pierre Mornet)