I’m an atheist devotee.

Hello! I’m an atheist devotee. Let me explain for those who wonder what devoutness is; devotee is the name given to the members of the Naqsbandi order. When I was 14-15 years old, my father forced me and my brothers to be a member of this sect. I was a Muslim at that time, but after I met the sect, I felt that something was strange and meaningless. They made me devotee with ridiculous rituals. As a result of my later research, I became an atheist within a few years. 

My father has been sending me to Qur’an courses since I was little, and I’ve spent my summer months in courses ever since I could remember. As if this wasn’t enough, my clothes were interfered with, I wasn’t even allowed to wear short sleeves. Whenever I went out, my father would check my clothes and ask me to change if he didn’t like it. He made me pray by force. Unfortunately nothing has changed right now. In fact, the older I got, the more responsibility it took on me. My father insists on me to wear a headscarf, but I prefer not to be veiled because it will be harder for me to take off my headscarf once I wear it. Also, I’m not allowed to wear makeup; if I apply a little mascara, my father will make a row, he once said that I was imitating prostitutes because I was applying nail polish. I can’t resist either because he says, if I don’t follow his rules, he will kick me out of the house or use violence on me. I can’t express how this situation has made me depressed. He was checking how many minutes late I got home with a school hours written paper and he was calling me to account. One day I came home at 8 o’clock, my father shouted at me saying that “a normal girl” couldn’t come home at 8 o’clock.

Both because we are in quarantine and because my father is in holiday, my parents fall all over me. They teamed up and they are examining me to see if I prayed, whether if I performed ablution, or whether if I was fasting. Believe me, as an atheist, I’m very tired of pretending to be a Muslim. I heard them whispering to each other today, my mother understood that I wasn’t seriously praying and she told this to my father. My father got furious, saying that I couldn’t fool him. What should I do, I don’t know. I live for my dreams. I hope this persecution will end one day.

Translator: EsilS.

(Image: Selma Gürbüz)

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