I got my period 1-2 months after I had become a hijabi and I have no hope of taking off my hijab anymore.

Hello, how are you? I came here to talk about myself, because people like us don’t have much chance, you know.

Right now, I am in 9th grade. In 5th grade I started to wear the hijab with my own will (!) without knowing what is right and what is wrong, and before getting my period. Obviously, my family is conservative. So, there is no problem at first. Day by day, people started look at me oddly. My relatives always looked at me and my mother oddly. I never loved them. I got my period 1-2 months after I had become a hijabi. I have no hope of taking off my hijab anymore. When I was little, I wasn’t allowed to wear leggings or pants and to have boyfriends. Even when I was in primary school, my mother tried to send me to school with hijab, but I cried a lot and made her to take it off. After a while you hate yourself, and no longer remember who you really are. No one supported me then and still no one is supporting me. I have been a hijabi for 5 years and I can’t breathe. Every day I wear a scarf on my head, I hate myself. I said that to my family over and over again. My mother is very emotional, and every time I talked about this she cries. I don’t care about her sadness anymore. I couldn’t live my childhood. I have been on antidepressants for years they know that but still they doomed me. I am sick of sighing after looking at the clothes of women who doesn’t wear headscarves I see on the subway or on the bus. I am tired of having no one on my side and not being able to feel my hair. I hate going out. Why can’t I be free? I am the one who cries everyday while wearing my hijab and I even hate colours. I’ve been deist for 2 years, but I sometimes think that if there is a God, he can’t be that cruel. There is no one on my side, and this hurts me so bad. Everyone around me think that the woman is a whore when they see a woman who doesn’t wear a hijab. Don’t be that vicious.

Translator: Ö.K.

(Image: Anish Kapoor)

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