I did not wear hijab for God’s sake for once in five years.

I’m a 20-year-old college student. Under pressure from my parents, I wore hijab the day I started high school, and I have lost my own identity since. I’m not myself anymore. I did not wear hijab for God’s sake for once in five years. My father is truly angry, and even though I haven’t received a serious beating from him, I shut up so he wouldn’t wear me out of psychological abuse. But I don’t want to live like somebody else anymore. I want to be myself. I want my right. My mother and grandmother are oppressive, my mother is studying in various Quran courses. When I wear a headscarf in more modern styles, she stares at my head all day and tells me how ugly I look. Even though I wear a headscarf I am being harassed for not wearing it the way she wants me to. I always hid from them because of the fear of what might happen to me if I didn’t wear a headscarf.

I’ve completed my first year in college, my grades are great, but I feel lost in my friend group. I can’t keep pace with anyone. I’m struggling. Because of my major, there is no one in my situation in the environment I’m in. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been directed to darker, longer clothes. The pressure started when I was 11. I told them I’d wear hijab when I got to high school because they kept pressuring me, I wish I didn’t tell them that. After it, they calmed down and shut up. But I also had to shut up. I wear more masculine clothes to make myself look different when I wear hijab, I don’t even wear any feminine accessorizes. My mom and Grandma only care about what people say. Sometimes, I open the door for the cargo guy without wearing a headscarf, they don’t say anything, but if I go outside with a tunic that two fingers shorter than they want, they go crazy.

I don’t know how to tell them I don’t want to be a hijabi anymore. My mother knows that I want to take my hijab off and it shows. I have an older sister and now they want to make her a hijabi. My mom told me not to talk to her about it so I wouldn’t get into her head. For a while, I’ve wanted to quit wearing hijab more than I’ve ever wanted. I’ve had people around me taking their hijabs off for the last year, and I’ve always been silent about it even though I envied them. I thought my parents wouldn’t let me, there is no point in fighting. I’ve always escaped from the stories of women who took off their headscarves, this site and the sites like this. Because I knew I wouldn’t be like the women who made it. But now I find strength withing myself via those platforms.

One day, I’m going to express myself as I wish. What’s the point of hiding my hair unless I am doing it for the sake of God?

(Image: Tin Can Forest)

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