I will give myself the best gift.

I began questioning my life. Everything and everyone in my life. Maybe, I was afraid that they will judge me if I don’t wear headscarf. I’m angry at myself for wasting the best times of my life unhappy and in desperation, and for making such a mistake so early. I’m angry at my parents for putting me in a difficult situation. I don’t have a supporting big sister, and my friends don’t take me seriously.

I took the burden of hijab on my shoulders at a very young age. I couldn’t take this burden off. I spoke to my big sister and said, “Let me take it off so I can be free,” she said “Don’t.” When my relatives said, “Look how beautifully covered she is at this age,” I was disgusted by myself and by them—I started to think that I would be nothing to them if it wasn’t for this piece fabric on my head.

I can’t think about anything else than that people around me, especially my own family, love me only for my hijab. And this is eating me up. I tell myself to be patient a little bit more, this peaceless way of life will end one day. I tried. I held on for 5 years. But I can’t find the strength to hold on in myself anymore.

I talked to my parents. They argued with me so bad, as if they would leave me if I had taken my headscarf off. I withdrew myself from everyone, even from my own family. I’m giving myself some more time and when that time is over, I will do the best possible thing I can do in my life, I will give myself the best gift. But I’m sure that at the end the only thing that I will learn is that turning my back permanently will be the salvation…

Translator: Leto

(Image: Marc Chagall)

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