What I do for my loved ones does not help me with my loneliness.

Last night, I realized so much. If I were to summarize it in one sentence, I realized that my father considered me worthless. I resisted this thought; I tried a lot to think otherwise, but, in the end, I couldn’t make him love me. I resented so much that he didn’t love me. Without his love, I was becoming alienated from myself. It was so much that I could not recognize myself anymore. I can never forget him saying, “Leave this inglorious alone, let her die,” pointing at me. This is all for a piece of fabric. It turned out that the piece of fabric was the thing that made him love me, even it’s a little bit. Since I rejected that piece of fabric, he no longer had a reason to pretend that he loved me. Truth always hurts. According to my father, I didn’t have the luxury of making mistakes, getting sick, etc., because I was the big child, and I had to do everything perfectly so that my brothers and sisters could imitate me. Whenever I made a mistake, he pushed me away from his life, just as he did so when I rejected that piece of fabric. If a person loves someone, he forgives their mistake. But since I have come to the realization that I do not mean anything to my father, I know that neither my existence nor my absence concerns him. I know because even if I died, he wouldn’t care. I’m the most worthless person in the world because I took off a piece of fabric, a hijab.

I should tell you exactly what happened last night. I suffer from anxiety disorder and panic attacks. Naturally, I have attempted suicide several times. Last night, I tried to commit suicide by taking medicine, tying my headscarves on the bathroom door. When my mother found me, I was scared and turned blue. The only thing my father said when he saw me, “Leave this inglorious alone, let her die.” I have written a letter here before, “When my father saw that we were wearing the hijab, he said, “Now you look like human beings.” I have always tried to be a good daughter, but what I do for my loved ones does not help me with my loneliness. In either case, I am ignored. My real personality was ignored when I was wearing the hijab; now, I am ignored when my hair dances with the wind. So, I did what I wanted. Believe me, I tried a lot to make my father love me, but it didn’t work.

Don’t forget, nothing is permanent, even our problems. A true father supports his daughter, respects her decision, does not humiliate her for her choice. My father looks at me with hate in his eyes, and my illness is progressing. I don’t know if one day I’ll be able to write nice things here.

Be brave, girls. If you are sure that they will not distract you from your education, ignore your family’s psychological and even physical violence and your environment’s gossip. Do whatever you want. Believe me, as they break your heart, you grow stronger. Don’t wait for someone else to love you. Love yourself and earn your life.

Fondly,

Yasemin

Translator: Ö.K.

(Image: Plinio Nomellini)

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