I miss flipping my hair outside and feeling my true self so much.

I am a 23 years old woman, and I have been pressured to wear headscarf until this age. There has been some violence too. Although I am very calm and quiet around my family, I act like I am the most powerful woman on earth outside of my house. I pretend as I am willingly wearing a headscarf because I don’t want other people to pity me. Whenever I put this thing on my head, I avoid mirrors because when I look at myself in the mirror with a headscarf on my head, what I see is a weak person. I continuously have crying attacks. Although I have my mother’s support, I still can’t stand living like that. A piece of a rag is squeezing my throat and forcing me to die. I miss flipping my hair outside and feeling my true self so much.

I am writing these lines with silent tears. Sometimes I am feeling alienated from my beliefs, I am getting far away from my spirituality.

I don’t feel God’s support anymore; I feel like I am left alone by him; it hurts me.

When I see my friends all dressed up and taking photos, being around them makes me suffer deeply. I don’t even have a single picture of myself with a headscarf. I don’t have any accounts on social media; I can’t stand seeing myself. While trying to look strong outside, seeing someone ruined and insecure on the way home hurts my heart.

I hear people saying things like ‘’They are all actresses, all activists.’’ When they see someone taking off her headscarf. Hearing those thoughts deeply agonizing me because I know for a fact that the need for change is one of the actual facts of life, and I know that those women had been suppressed for years. I don’t know how to get out of this hellish torture. I don’t have a job, I am studying for the exams now; if I cannot find a light, I will lose all my joy, my personality.

My father is a very tough man. I always act and talk very carefully around him. I am a quiet person, and his loud voice is scaring me. If I tell him that I don’t want to wear a headscarf, I am sure I will lose him. He is a good person and a good father, I don’t want to lose him; It’s a dead end. If I can score good enough in the exam and find a job in the city that I want, I plan to tell him that I don’t want to wear a headscarf anymore.

I need people to support me

(Image: Max Ernst)

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