The quarantine process ruined me mentally.

It’s been almost one year since I took off my headscarf, but this was very hard for me to do. My family always expected me to wear a headscarf. I did it because I wanted to make them happy. I was so little, in my primary school years. As I grew older, I understood that it was the wrong decision for myself, but my mother was very strict; she thought I would be indecent and show myself to boys. Even if I said it wouldn’t happen, she didn’t believe me. I got afraid because she threatened me by saying she won’t let me go to school, and I couldn’t be braver at that time.

I had a boyfriend when I was at university, and I wanted to take off my headscarf more. I wasn’t feeling comfortable. When I held his hands, I faced people’s blaming eyes and sometimes their harsh words. I wasn’t feeling like myself. Finally, I decided that I couldn’t stand this anymore and took off my headscarf. I wasn’t in my hometown. First, I called my mother, though I was sure about her reactions. She would shout, then scold, and finally hang up the phone while crying. It happened exactly like this. 

At the university, I was comfortable because my parents were not with me. But this quarantine process ruined me mentally. I’m discouraged and exhausted. My parents are still putting pressure on me every day, and sometimes I feel like I can’t stand anymore. Moreover, they want me to break up with my boyfriend because apparently it is a bad thing for our Islamic values. They always want me to do what they say. Now I want to run away to a place that nobody knows me. 

Translator: EsilS.

(Image: Julie Buffalohead)

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