I can’t live like this.

I’m writing this for my family. I’m upset. You see this but don’t care because you know that my happiness will bother you. I know that I make you feel uncomfortable, but you don’t have any idea that your pressure on me makes me disgusted with you. I’m exhausted of bearing you and myself. I am not joyful. I don’t dream. I don’t hang out with my friends; I don’t even talk to you. I feel like a garbage because I hate who I am. I must study for university entrance exam but I’m afraid of not getting around you and spoil this place which is an escape for me. What if I don’t succeed and continue to be a hijabi? I can’t even be happy for having a family. I don’t have plans about my future, and I don’t care about myself. Even writing this doesn’t make sense to me. I know that you can’t save me from these people. Wearing the hijab and not doing it for Allah’s sake is nothing but a burden. I will never forgive your oppression on me. I will never forgive that you crushed my confidence and happiness with your filthy mindset. I want to say this before I end my letter: I won’t live like this anymore. Maybe I will sabotage myself, my belief, and my future but I will stop wearing this. I will never become someone who is covering herself. I can’t accept myself as a hijabi. I can even endure homelessness, but I will get rid of my hijab regardless.

(Image: Miles Johnston)

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