Why do verses about women have different meanings while everyone interprets a verse about men in the same way?

Hello, I wanted to write too. Maybe you will help encouraging me.

I’m 20 years old.  I’ve been a hijabi for about four years. I made my decision in the summer holiday of 10th grade. Obviously, this decision was not suitable for me, I am realizing it nowadays. Also, it wasn’t a correct time to decide because at the time I was undergoing psychological treatment, I was having problems with my family and using antidepressants. In the last therapy session I had formed sentences to convince myself like “My family wants the best for me.” and my therapist said, “Then you don’t have to come anymore, but if you feel bad, you can come straight away,” and I stopped to going therapy.

Towards the end of 10th grade, I really believed in it and I was getting better. School was on holiday and I started watching YouTube channels that posted religious videos in the last months of the holiday. (Hayalhanem, Sözler Köşkü etc.)  I was looking at Islamic outfits on the internet and I had a want about it. My mom kept saying: ’How great it would you be if you become a hijabi , when are you going to be a hijabi?’’ also she  said: “If you are going to dress Islamic , your decision will be final, you can’t change it all.” One day we went shopping and I said I will be a hijabi starting today and she said okay without skipping a beat.  It’s wrong. I mean, if your kid suddenly says that stop and say, “Sure, why do you want to become a hijabi?” So, the question is whether my child wants this for the sake of Allah or not. Looking back, it wasn’t God’s sake that mattered to me, I just wanted to make my mom happy. I can say that my mother is an authoritarian woman and she doesn’t show her love for people because she was separated from her family when she was a child. I thought my mom didn’t love me and if I wore the hijab, she’ll love me, show her love. But that is a ridiculous thought, isn’t it?

Now, I don’t know what to do. I enrolled in university; I’m studying. I’m 20 years old, like I told you previously, but I feel scared I can’t tell my parents that I want to be the one to make decisions about my own body. I was thinking that it’s the perfect time for talking with them, I’m telling myself ” Come on girl go talk to them!”, but I can’t get myself to do it. I wonder if I don’t want to do it, but it is just that I am too insecure to do it. For instance, I wear makeup and pants. These aren’t considered modest, but I want to do it. Previously, I was interested in styling my hair. I was braiding my hair; I was wearing my hair in a bun and I was feeling like I am myself. Now, in indoors I feel like I’m choking while wearing my hijab. Sometimes in lectures, I open the front of my headscarf and drag it back a little bit.It’s not being a true hijabi but I just can’t take it.

Nowadays, I’m researching about Islam and I’m reading something about it. Why should I cover my head for men? That’s my body. Why am I having this difficulty so that men don’t see me and be aroused? Men and women should have equal rights.
I think about why there is only one sentence in one verse for them, but many different sentences and different interpretations for us. Why do verses about women have different meanings while everyone interprets a verse about men in the same way? I want to decide for the things about my own body. But still I can’t tell my parents, I think I’m going to lose my mind. Please help me. I guess I ‘m scared of they aren’t going to let me go the university anymore. They pay for my dorm. How will I pay for it? If I both study and work, how will I get by?

(Image: Esther Sarto)

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