I haven’t intentionally worn the hijab for nine years, even for a moment.

Nine years… I don’t know where to start.  Let me put it this way. I began to wear the hijab when I was eight years old because my older sister and my mother were with the hijab, then I regretted it. When I brought up the subject to my mom, my mom said nothing like this would happen. She was totally against it, and she was like she is going to faint. Then I dropped the subject. I spoke to my friends about my thought, most of them were also against my opinion. “Don’t talk nonsense!” etc. They acted like I rejected religion, and most of them don’t wear hijab.  I don’t know why they reacted like that.

If you ask how old I am now, I am 17. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade and switched to open a high school. I said to myself, if I can’t leave the hijab, I should stay home and shouldn’t go home. After taking the school certificate, I started to open a high school. I’m very regretful, a mistake I made at the age of 8 cost my life. I haven’t intentionally worn the hijab for nine years, even for a moment; actually, I hated it. I felt like crying every time I tied the bonnet and took the scarf in my hand while standing in front of the mirror. I am disgusted with life. I never wear make-up, I always wear the same shawl, I wear the same clothes, I’m not going anywhere. Because as long as I wear this, life is meaningless. I am not happy with this, and I don’t want this life.

When we gather with my cousins, even though I am the youngest, they act like I am the oldest because I wear the hijab and act like I am the older cousin. Our parents act like others like they are princesses, but they act like I am the bigger sister. When I want to go out at night with them, I am excluded. They look at me like I did the wrong thing. “You wear the hijab where you will go? At this hour, you stay home, let them go outside. You wear the hijab; you can’t do that. You wear the hijab; you can’t do this…” I want to disappear into the blue, I want to vanish. I don’t know what to do since I am so disgusted with life. Even I made my mom agree with me. I can’t do it to my older brothers and sisters. My dad already lives apart from us; they got divorced a long time ago. But he is also very against this situation; he can even kill me. Like my brothers… My mother and sisters also would support them. I don’t know. They exclude me from everything they do, and they don’t love me. They don’t care about me. Just because of them, I wasted my nine years, my most beautiful years… While they were still treating me like this.

  1.  Piece of accessory that some headscarved women wear under the headscarve in order to cover the whole hair.

Translator: Ö.K.

(Image: Marie Muravski)

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