Nine years… I don’t know where to start. Let me put it this way. I began to wear the hijab when I was eight years old because my older sister and my mother were with the hijab, then I regretted it. When I brought up the subject to my mom, my mom said nothing like this would happen. She was totally against it, and she was like she is going to faint. Then I dropped the subject. I spoke to my friends about my thought, most of them were also against my opinion. “Don’t talk nonsense!” etc. They acted like I rejected religion, and most of them don’t wear hijab. I don’t know why they reacted like that.
If you ask how old I am now, I am 17. I dropped out of school in the 10th grade and switched to open a high school. I said to myself, if I can’t leave the hijab, I should stay home and shouldn’t go home. After taking the school certificate, I started to open a high school. I’m very regretful, a mistake I made at the age of 8 cost my life. I haven’t intentionally worn the hijab for nine years, even for a moment; actually, I hated it. I felt like crying every time I tied the bonnet and took the scarf in my hand while standing in front of the mirror. I am disgusted with life. I never wear make-up, I always wear the same shawl, I wear the same clothes, I’m not going anywhere. Because as long as I wear this, life is meaningless. I am not happy with this, and I don’t want this life.
When we gather with my cousins, even though I am the youngest, they act like I am the oldest because I wear the hijab and act like I am the older cousin. Our parents act like others like they are princesses, but they act like I am the bigger sister. When I want to go out at night with them, I am excluded. They look at me like I did the wrong thing. “You wear the hijab where you will go? At this hour, you stay home, let them go outside. You wear the hijab; you can’t do that. You wear the hijab; you can’t do this…” I want to disappear into the blue, I want to vanish. I don’t know what to do since I am so disgusted with life. Even I made my mom agree with me. I can’t do it to my older brothers and sisters. My dad already lives apart from us; they got divorced a long time ago. But he is also very against this situation; he can even kill me. Like my brothers… My mother and sisters also would support them. I don’t know. They exclude me from everything they do, and they don’t love me. They don’t care about me. Just because of them, I wasted my nine years, my most beautiful years… While they were still treating me like this.
- Piece of accessory that some headscarved women wear under the headscarve in order to cover the whole hair.
(Image: Marie Muravski)