Why did Allah gift me this talent if I can’t show it to everyone?

In addition to being aware of these feelings that made me feel like something is wrong and think “It shouldn’t be this way” since my earliest recollections, I realized that I am bisexual just this year. People around me always complained about my masculinity, and only a few would like the “tomboy” situation. My relatives, friends, and family felt like they always had to warn me about how I should talk like a girl, dress like a girl, and walk like a girl. They had continuously mentioned that “Males acting like females, and females acting like males” is a sign of the end of the world, and used religious arguments to prevent me from acting like how I felt.

I was never able to be the person they wanted me to be. But yet, I was also never able to be the person I felt like I wanted to be. Because I wear a headscarf, I can’t wear t-shirts, shorts, and hats that I want. It was never enough to wear those only at home. How could I be satisfied when I couldn’t feel the breeze on my arms, legs, and hair? I play the guitar and sing. My friends admire my voice, and they want me to attend The Voice of Turkey1. However, it’s not possible. Whenever it comes to my voice or instrument, my family says that I can only sing and play when I’m with my female friends, and the opposite is unmentionable.

Why did Allah gift me this talent if I can’t show it to everyone?

I felt the joy of showing what I have without any restraints when I sang and played on the university’s lawn. Why? Why do they want me to live without that joy? I have never understood why the female voice is forbidden by religion. I have never seen somebody aroused by my voice.

I am perplexed. Every day, it makes me suffer that I couldn’t live a life according to my sexual identity and couldn’t use my voice as I wish. Maybe I will break free and live a life I want to. Or perhaps I will never dare to do that, live a life with too little joy, and die.

I don’t know…

  1. O Ses Türkiye is a popular song contest broadcasted on a popular TV channel in Turkey.

(Image: Naomi Wilkinson)

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