I started to stammer with the impact of fear.

Hello. I’m writing this as a person who has read all the letters written here. I got my period in 5th grade when I was 11. Even when I was not wearing a headscarf, I still used to dress like a modest woman. Until my father asked my mom, “When will she cover her hair?”.

My mom taught me praying and fasting at an early age. I still do my worships religiously. My mother always told me that I had to cover my hair, and it is a religious duty. She used to frighten me with hell and suffer after death. This manner resulted in illness. I started to stammer with the impact of fear.

I’m writing this tearingly. No one can know how it affects me. Everyone in the school used to make fun of me. They used to exclude me and make me cry. Now I’m 18, and I’m still stammering. Even my parents didn’t cure me. This is the most significant pain I feel because of my family. 

I started to wear a headscarf at the end of the 8th grade. I was happy to cover my hair, but this happiness didn’t last long. My father told me that he would buy me everything if I cover my hair, but he didn’t buy anything for me except a dress. I wore that dress for 1 year. I wasn’t allowed to buy something that I want because they put pressure on me about my clothes too. I couldn’t wear what I want. I couldn’t do what I want. Nothing has changed. My life is still under pressure. The pressure increased after I started to wear a headscarf. They were not respecting and caring about my decisions.

2 years ago, I told my mother that I don’t want to wear a headscarf anymore. Instead of supporting me, she stood against me and acted as if I am hostile. She just insulted and attitudinized to me. My years after that passed off like an excruciation. I tried to be modest, but the pressures on me never disappeared. Since the day I covered my hair, I haven’t worn anything but black. I haven’t looked in a mirror and never care about myself. All of these happened because of my family and their pressures. But I never gave up, and I won’t. I don’t want anything but my family to see that I am a person who can make her own decisions. It is never too late for anything, but I am tired of the things that I have been living for 4 years. I want to be free, not under pressure.

I want you all to be free. Let them glare at you, let them talk behind your back. They talk about you for a few days, but you keep the things you live for a lifetime. Stay strong, please. Always stay strong because not being strong was my biggest fault.  

(Image: Vijay Sarathy)

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