I grew up in a conservative family. And in here, you need to get married in order to have a partner. I had a religious education life that is isolated from outside world for 5 years. I haven’t had a real-life experience. Then I met someone whose name is Muhammed. If I marry him, the number of people I need to convince on my personal decision will be reduced to just one. I was only 19 and I wanted to marry Muhammed.
Marriage was a compulsory and inevitable truth for me. I thought I choose it on my own. Although my expectation from marriage is to have a lover, expectation of my husband and his mother was very different. We were living with my mother-in-law. After a year I convinced myself that living together is not normal. There were two different systems in home and they always conflict. They were saying “From now on this is your home, my daughter” but, when I make a decision about the house, I was running across “Even though we said it is your house too, this is my mother’s house”. Day after day I started to feel like that I don’t belong to that house, more and more. I only place that I liked was my bedroom and I wanted to spend my whole time in there. And one day I realized that I wasn’t even belong to my husband after my mother-in-law’s these sentences “Muhammed is not in love with you, don’t expect that to happen, I gave up on that for his happiness”, “He is scarcer than hens’ teeth, know his value”, “You came here by accepting our rules”. Why am I here if my husband is not in love with me? I felt like a second wife. A cook, a housekeeper or a hooker who works for peanuts.
I had duties such as giving birth to children, doing whole job in the house. I was 19 and, I had so much burden on my shoulders before getting to know myself. Although I didn’t even know myself, I knew my husband. Even though I didn’t know my hobbies and dreams, I knew his. I had no idea of what will make me happy or make me angry.
And I am a woman. Everything I do in the house considered as my wifely duty. Waiting for them to thank me was the biggest pertness. I was 19 and they were considering me as a dough to knead. That was the most disrespectful thing which is done to me. What could I even know(!)? They think my young age was responsible for all off my mistakes and ignorance.
The place we live was like a small town. I had no friends to talk to. My mind was empty anyways. I was getting more and more little to myself. Every time, I felt incapable and I blamed myself for that. They yelled at me so loud like they want to make me deaf, or they hit stuff imagining it was me for the mistakes that I no longer consider as mistakes. I was so scared. Despite feeling like I am nothing, I was successful in exams that I take. I thought this was just because of my luck. One day I earned money. I buy some stuff for my husband and my siblings. One day I went abroad, and I realized that even tough we are small we can dream big. One day I started to school, and I realized my questions that are considered as unnecessary, are valued by others.
What women does is what she has to do and what men does is grace. Why should I continue to do same thing that women before my time did and other women and men just accepted as it is? Why should I live my life without hearing a thank you and being thankful to everyone else? Why should I never say no to those people who can not say the difference between respect and obedience?
I have never missed my duties. If I were, they wouldn’t let me neither work nor study. Because in this place, a woman is respected only when she can achieve things after doing house works. How can I take a risk of being disrespected when I was trying to fit into the family?
When I was with Muhammed of course I was happy, because if I say I wasn’t I will lose 3 year in my past. But I no longer feel happy or excited when I look at him or enter to the house. The fights in my head, voices that I listen until I got tired and darkness…
I am an honest person as Muhammed always says. For me, cheating is not only being with someone else. For me, cheating is also being with someone you don’t love. My love for him was over. Trying to find the reason of it will lead us only to injustice. I know, what I thought before a year now does not control me. Back then I was crushed under feeling thankfulness and mercy, but now I can think more rationally. I want to divorce, because I don’t belong to that marriage and the house.
Why should I dream things that only they let me to dream? I exist, and I can survive without being attached to anyone. I want divorce and believe me I don’t care whose fault is that. I am on my way to find my true self. And on this road of building myself, I can be an executioner for anyone who is slowing me down and who is standing on my way, even if they are my loved ones. I want to divorce because I don’t want a decision that I make when I was 19 affect my whole life.
Translator: Ö.K.
(Image: Eze Amos)