I want to feel that I’m alive.

I started wearing a hijab the summer, just before I start high school. I wasn’t conscious of my decision; my family deceived me. I started questioning religion around the same time. I wasn’t a Muslim anymore. I always tried to take off my hijab, but I couldn’t succeed. I was afraid of not being loved. When I told my father that I wanted to take it off, he told me, “I don’t have to love you.” I can’t forget how upset I was. All my high school life has been trash. I never got to be myself. I always hated myself. I couldn’t even look at a mirror. Because I was ashamed. I wasn’t myself. I couldn’t live myself. They didn’t let me. They took my life away from me.

I always struggled with psychological problems. I still do. I fell into depression. I thought about killing myself. I still do. They didn’t let me live my life. I don’t have any self-confidence. I don’t have friends. I’m even reluctant to go outside. Every day, I hated being alive because I couldn’t be myself. I couldn’t study for the university entrance exam because I was obsessed with this. I didn’t get into college. Now it’s my second year. I’m preparing for the exam once again.

I have been wearing the hijab for 5 years due to the pressure of my family. Life has been a prison for 5 years. Don’t underestimate how I feel. Only those who have lived what I lived can understand me. Only women like me can understand how lost I feel, the misery I feel every moment. I’m waiting to get into college so that I can break free. I want to feel that I’m alive from now on. I want to be happy. I want to be me. I want to be free.

Translator: Leto

(Image: Leon Spilliaert)

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