According to them I am 4 out of 4 but will turn into 3 out of 4 if I take the hijab off.

            Hello friends. Today I will tell my story and I need people who had these kinds of problems like me and got over them. I would like to be friends and also listen to your experiences.

            I start to wear the hijab when I was 16. Actually, it wasn’t because of the family oppression, I was talking to someone and wore the hijab by his request. Even my father did not give permission by saying “You will take off the hijab in the future” but I went with the money that my relatives gave it to me and bought suitable clothes for the hijab. Anyway, I was wearing makeup and stuff, even though I had been wearing the hijab for a long time. Of course, people become aware of the hijab over time. Also, after a while I broke up with that boy too because he was constantly restricting me. I hated people back then. In the first place, I was talking to that boy because of my insecurity. I was violated when I was a child, of course after growing up my family stepped back. Anyway, when I was wearing make up I was dressing up casually, but it wasn’t something like ‘ferace’ (An over-sized long dress that covers women’s arms and legs) Heaven knows why, relatives praised me so much by saying “As long as she is wearing the hijab, it is not important if she put on makeup.” So that in my heart, I really felt like I was doing something good. They were always arranging a marriage for me etc… I said to myself, if you are wearing the hijab fit into it or take it off. I firstly bought ‘ferace’, part of me was a lady, but part of me knew that I looked more mature than I actually am. The child in me was not free. Yet I hated people before. I was saying “”I will not marry in the future; I will make a career.” I was sick of being a favourite person of someone just because of my hijab. I was also at home due to the corona virus and thus realized that I was not comfortable with the headscarf.    

            Now, when I tighten the headscarf before going out I feel like I am choking and my neck doesn’t feel right. Why should I suffer this trouble because the son of the stranger will be provoked, they should be bothered to educate their sons. A person who is turned on by hair and neck is not human; he can rape a hijabi woman or an animal. I go to the market, I wear a ‘ferace’, I wear a mask and a shawl on my head; and one boy is looking right into my eyes. Covering yourself up is not a solution to anything.

            I can not tell how angry I am. I decided to take off the hijab. I’ll be a teacher, I’ll have fun with the kids. I will wear loose and comfortable but will not have anything around my neck. I don’t like wearing a necklace etc. either. I will wear over sized things even if I am not wearing the hijab. Anyway, I told this to my parents recently. Thanks to my father, he understood. My mother was also respectful, but I regrated saying her because she told this to all my relatives. Now they are trying to convince me to not to take the hijab off. They are saying things like “You won’t find a proper spouse.” or “God will block your way.” I am going crazy with the hijab, what is the point of it? Of course, the devil is distracting me(!). hey haven’t read the Quran properly yet. They act like I serve them, not God. I don’t feel like it, what good deed does it have? They are obsessed with headscarf even though there are religious duties about prayer and interest. According to them I am 4 out of 4 but will turn into 3 out of 4 if I take the hijab off. I do not want both the family and the man who would want me for the headscarf and my appearance. They are self-seeker, they are rushing about like a headless chicken to find a girl. I am totally against to arranged marriage. You cannot get to know anyone in an environment full of relatives, each of them has a fake mask. You need to be in a friendly environment so that you can learn even how he curses.

            Anyway, my mother is moving our house to next to my relatives from the mother’s side. A part of me is saying take off the hijab now, new home, new neighbourhood, it would be a lot easier. On the other hand, I am scared of the attitude of mother’s side of the family. I am preparing for my university exam this year, do you think it will affect my psychology a lot? At the same time, their support for me will end, they will not stand behind me. They will say “You won’t be able to get into university.” So should I take off the hijab when I go to the university? Maybe I consider this as a reward and feel an ambition. I think it would be easier when they’re away.

             Friends, I’m waiting for your comments. Thank you very, very much in advance.

Translator: Ö.K.

(Image: Keith Negley)

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