I had two friends in hijabs. I was so emulating them; they were dressed well. Just because I emulated them, I was thinking about wearing the hijab. Then last year, my brother died. I felt empty at the time, and religion was like a door that helped salvation for me. I went to an Imam Hatip1 school for two years, and my mother was a woman who had been praying for a year. Nevertheless, there was no excessive religious pressure in the house. I told my parents that I wanted to wear a hijab; I feel guilty, scared, and couldn’t sleep. I even did my shopping. I was going to go to school on Monday with a hijab. Thank God another friend said, “Don’t make a rash decision, at least think until the long vacation,” And I listened to him and didn’t wear hijab.
I was in a terrible state, and I needed a lifeline. I began to pray and read the Quran. It’s been going on all summer. When the school opened, I couldn’t arrange the time, and I stopped praying. My brother’s death was significantly affected my mother; she looked for her way out of the religion, just like me. She wore the hijab last month, and my father has been praying for two months. First, I wanted to know what these mean. I’m reading the meaning of the Quran and the interpretation of the Quran. I’m halfway there; what I’ve learned so far annoyed me. Why are homosexuals cursed? If you created them like that, why are you cursing them? Why can’t I dress the way I want? Why do I have to have sex with my husband whenever he wants? Why is it best for me to stay at home? God has cursed women who do not obey their husbands. Am I a maid? I’m so confused.
Ever since my mother wore a hijab, she has been saying, “I wish you’d wear hijab, and you already wanted to, we’d wear hijab together.” I say: “I don’t want to; I’m still young; otherwise, I’ll give up after.” and I ended the conversation. I know she doesn’t have an evil purpose; she’s trying to tell me what she believes in. She says: “Get up and pray.” She thinks I’m faithful because I read and research the Quran. I pretend to pray because I don’t want it. All I want is to lead a life as a conscientious and good person. I want to help people, but every opportunity has failed. Adoption is forbidden by religion because when he grows up, I could marry him. These things are utterly ridiculous to me. I want to live my life in my own way. I still believe in God, but I don’t understand why God did this.
[1] Imam Hatip schools are educational institutes in Turkey where people are trained for religious professions such as imams.
(Image: Selma Gürbüz)